Esther Furman – Power Kicker?

Job Available: Part Time position available in Westchester County Family Court. Restricted hours, no overtime. Generous pension and health benefits. Although the duties involve making decisions on litigated matters, there is no penalty for not making decisions, for deferring decisions, of for booting cases off the calendar and onto the Supreme Court calendar. Ability to ignore previous Court Orders required. Annual Cost of Living increases. Salary (2010) $136,700

210 NY Code Article 7-B (220-224)

Today I appeared before the Honorable Esther Furman to address my ex’s suit as to my taking our child as a deduction on my taxes. I had prepared for days, rushing about in the rain yesterday, running to the store for more printer paper and ink (which I had to charge on a credit card). My kids felt my stress, and the younger one vomited. In between everything, I comforted him, calmed him down and my older son took him out for a few hours to distract him.

I had counter claimed, via the Child Support Collection Unit, for all of the add ons, which total over $12,000. I had been told by them that they could collect on my behalf, and, since I have an Order, I thought at least that part would be easy! Ha!

Esther Furman booted the tax claim to Supreme Court, where my ex already has two cases pending for the past two years. I expect that his attorney will start preparing her assault immediately. I am so disappointed; I had case law, IRS guidelines and a carefully prepared speaking points. It was pointless. Over my ex’s attorney’s screaming, Esther never gave me a chance and simply refused to hear the case.

The add ons? I was so careful. I submitted only what had accrued since the October trial. I had run like a lunatic to all the pharmacies, the doctors and the schools to accumulate “proof” of payments. I had a neat cover sheet and made sure that the receipts beneath were in the same order as the cover sheet listing.

My ex’s screaming attorney cried “We never got them” and she is correct. I withheld the receipts because sending them is pointless. He ignores, half pays (how do you reconcile that??), defers and then sues me again. I told Esther Furman that I wanted to be able to go through CSCU, that there is an Order in place, and that these receipts (CVS, Westmed, etc.) are irrefutable. She didn’t care. Refused to look at them. Told me to give the packet to his attorney and wait to be paid “in a reasonable amount of time”. I asked her how much time is reasonable, and she did not respond. Said all receipts have to go to him first, then wait, then….ready? Re-freakinging-file. Sounds like another day of missed work, but Thank God, Esther cleared a case off her calendar.

What is sad here is that the Courts never once consider the collateral damage to the family (aka the children). They believe, or ignore, that 7 years of continual litigation and over 70 appearances do not cause damage to us. Forget about Connolly giving me zero of the marital estate, forget Connolly ordering my house sold and making me “repay” child support (I think this is illegal, but I am not sure). Nobody cares that a child is so overwrought that they vomited. Big deal. It’s not their kid.

I entered the black hole of Westchester County Court 7 years ago. My children were 7 and 11 years old. They are now 14 and 18. The clerks tell me that there is no such thing as getting Vexatious Litigator status in Westchester, and that I should be prepared for another 7 years of litigation. Nice.

The whole circus took about 5 minutes. That’s my five minutes of “justice” for which I pay.

Imagine going to your job tomorrow. You are asked to make copies of a PowerPoint presentation and bind them for a meeting. But you refuse, telling your boss to take it to another staff member. What do you think would happen? Yelling? Firing? A march to the dreaded HR lady? Exactly.

BTW, on FRIDAY I received Esther’s Decision on the October trail in which my ex cried – literally – to reduce the child support. She dismissed. Without prejudice. How long until he re-files? One week? Two? I would say that he might combine his poverty plea with his tax plea, but his game is keeping me in multiple courts simultaneously.

Lawsuit Number Five…How Many Can I Get?

I’ve been out of touch lately, wrestling with college demons, as well as the usual crowd of devils, specters and wraiths that are part of the background of the divorced overworked life.

The college “process” as its now called, was grueling…dreadful applications with six essays each, $100 fees for the pleasure of possibly having your application reviewed, and all the begging forms for financial aid. I assumed, based upon information from the guidance lady that I wouldn’t have to worry about cost – since I have no assets and little money – and my son has excellent grades – it should be covered.

But it’s not. There is a huge shortfall. This gap must be covered by me, as new laws keep kids capped at a $5000 loan limit for freshman year. The rest I have to borrow through the PLUS program. Since I am still paying my own student loans (gifted to me by Connolly, after my ex cleverly insisted that I take loans I didn’t need) I don’t know how I’ll manage the burden.

Since his birth, I dreamed of sending him to college, and giving him the on campus life I didn’t have. Sadly, his experience will be an extension of high school. He will watch his friends pack up and leave, and he will be the only one left. It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

But wait! My ex is responsible for 75% of all educational expenses. Although Esther Furman said that College is not Education, she’s wrong. I called the Child Support Collection Unit and, in 20 days, they can file a petition with Family Court.

I haven’t had much luck in Family Court; I’ve been waiting on a decision from Esther Furman since October, but when CSCU is in the house, things tend to happen. I have faith. They also, I learned, can collect the medical co-pays, which haven’t been paid in years. More wasted time, gathering documents, but maybe this time it will be different.

A few years ago, I had a meeting with the IRS in White Plains. A tough crowd, but no nonsense. I was told then that the IRS is the boss of everybody. Specifically, that no County Judge can rule against IRS code. Nope. Can’t be done. At issue was Connolly’s vindictive decision to go back four years in time and reassign the kids as a deduction for my ex. At the time I was homeless and newly jobless, so WTF? The IRS told me fugetaboutit. And I did. They also told me to never, ever sign any IRS document giving my kids deductions away – apparently, a judge cannot force me to sign an IRS document. So I didn’t  My ex was purple with rage, flapping the document around Connolly’s court. Tough luck.

This year, my tax preparer told me to deduct my youngest child – the one that is traditionally my ex’s. I am a sole custodian, provide more than 50% of their support, and he has not even seen them in over a year, and I never signed him away. I did, and received a small refund which I used to pay old bills.

Today, I was served with LAWSUIT NUMBER FIVE.

Yes, ladies, the psycho strikes again. At what point can we get training for judges to recognize mental illness? This man had Major Depressive Disorder with psychotic features for years, has been unofficially diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder….and they don’t see it?

They do. They just don’t care.

Do you think he’ll be surprised when CSCU starts collecting $30,000? I am counting on crocodile tears.

Happy Easter

What I do in my free time.

Happy Easter! I have to admit that I love this holiday, not for the religious connotations but for the familial ones. To me, this is a day for food and family, and although I was asked several times yesterday if I attend “services”, I do not. I firmly believe in God, just not one who takes attendance.

 

Decades ago when I was impossibly young, I was invited to spend Easter with my very fancy boyfriend at his very fancy family’s estate. These people were the real deal, and as an unsophisticated bumpkin, I quizzed my better-bred friends for tips on what to wear, what to say and how to get through the experience without humiliating myself of ending my relationship.

After driving for a long time in silence, I remarked what a pretty street we were on; wide and covered with towering oak trees evenly spaced on either side.  “This” said the boyfriend’s icy mother, “is the driveway”. Oh…

We arrived at the house, which looked like it was transplanted from England a hundred years ago. There were rolling lawns, well dressed adults and children running around, and servants. I wanted to hide. I was greeted by Cousin Bobby, a nice old man who explained to me that every guest had an Easter Egg somewhere on the grounds with their name on it. I had to find my egg and present it to the bartender before I could get a drink. Fun! He winked and whispered that all the eggs had been hidden by the children, who would happily direct me to the secret spot.

I was uncomfortable; the people, while polite, were very posh. I feared that my humble background was evident. They addressed each other by their relational status (Cousin Bobby, Aunt Khaki, etc.), and then I had the good fortune to meet my hostess, the Lady of this grand estate, Cousin Amy. She invited me to help her in the kitchen (help? There were staff running like mice everywhere) but she really just took me aside and told me how glad she was that I had come, and how she thought I was just what her family needed, and that I shouldn’t be scared of her relatives. She was truly a graceful, down to earth lady in every sense of the word. At dinner, she insisted I sit next to her (a huge relief!) and on my other side was Uncle Bunny.

I had noticed Uncle Bunny throughout the day; he was extremely quiet, shy and seemed out of place although it was clear that he was Family. Uncle Bunny lived over the pool house and helped “tend” to the house. It was clear that Bunny was not quite right, but I liked him. He was aptly named, and had a sweet and gentle disposition.

So every Easter, I think of the lovely woman who was so kind to me all those years ago. She came from an era when wealth did not connote class status. I hope that, despite my lack of a large house, or servants, or pool houses, I can be a little like Cousin Amy, who was exceptionally graceful and kind to everyone.

 

 

 

A Fox in the Henhouse

First of all, a few housekeeping items:

Was anyone else sickened when we learned that the latest Powerball winner is a deadbeat father? It’s being reported that he owes $29,000 in back child support, but its unknown which of his five children are owed. Somewhere in New Jersey is a mother who had to raise a child without that $29,000, God knows how, perhaps through public assistance. As a bodega owner, his transactions were in cash, so I can imagine the mother, trying collect in Family Court, trying to prove his income. I have to laugh, because it’s all the same. Whether you were married to a banker, hedge funder, accountant or seemingly indigent bodega owner, we are all in the same leaky vessel.

http://www.foxnews.com/us/2013/03/28/new-jersey-powerball-winner-owes-2g-in-child-support/

And now to address our get together:

As one of my observant readers (and new friend) pointed out, she believes that lawyers and court personnel are some of my readers. She pointed to comments in which I have been asked to “name” lawyers. If you scroll through, you’ll see them. I am many things, but stupid is generally not one of my named attributes, and in every case, I have refused and have never heard from these readers again. She felt that a large gathering of our clan might attract some of these clumsy Maxwell Smarts (we are the cooler, Agent 99s) and I agree. So the ladies I have already met, those I know are in the trenches, are getting together shortly. If at any time, you want to meet me and others, you can email me and we’ll have a coffee and a chat and you will be welcomed to the fold.

And now the Fox:

Last week, I wrote about the court employee who penned a little note displaying his true feelings for struggling mothers. I am fortunate to have a friend who is brilliant, incredibly educated and intrepid, and took time from her week to Nancy Drew him, using only the power of the internet. She unearthed a wealth of data, and came to the conclusion that we might have another “Fathers Rights” advocate in the making.

This boy has a JD but also has an LLM – a master of law. Another sleuth revealed that he is not “registered” in New York, so she tried the state from which he received his degree – no registration there, either. I’m told that one cannot practice law without such a registration. Additionally, he has focused his “career” on family courts and domestic violence. However, given his comment, I shudder to think he might one day pass the Bar and be a brand new force for men with money; another trumpeter of “Alienation”. I’m still wondering who paid for all that education – a divorced father? Hmmm…maybe a little more sleuthing is in order.

We need to pay attention.

Until recent years, “Joint Custody” or the Solomon like halving of children was unheard of – its madness, to believe that one can share a human being, bouncing them back and forth like a ping pong ball. With two homes, two sets of rules, to ways of acting at home, these kids don’t have two homes, they have none.

Enter Fathers Rights, powerful men who willingly put up their money to deliver the final blow to their ex wives: taking her children. The lawyers didn’t have much ammunition, until someone unearthed the pseudo-science of Richard Gardner, the quack who advocated for pedophiles and coined the term “Parental Alienation Syndrome”, which I covered in “Alien Nation” last year ( The APA refused to recognize his crap, but the courts do!). True sickies, like my ex, actually believe that their abuse had no effect on the kids; that kids should love him unconditionally, and since they want no contact with him, well, it must be my fault.

http://www.leadershipcouncil.org/1/pas/faq.htm

I bring this up because it seems to me that the ladies are not organized. Of course, we have no money and we are busy raising the kids and working and juggling all the responsibilities shoveled upon our shoulders.

Some tell me that changing laws or putting pressure on the courts will not help them; their cases are over, and quoting that well worn tautology: It is what it is. Others tell me that they are afraid (understandably). But men are not afraid; they drag us back and forth to court without fear. There is no Vexatious Litigator status in Westchester County. No one gives a damn if you’ve had 70 appearances or 700.

As a group, we have to decide if we do, in fact, give a damn. Do we want to organize like the fathers, and start pushing for Mothers Rights? Do we want to keep our heads down in fear…fear that it might get “even worse” as one mom confided to me. I can’t answer this, but I do know that living in fear is bullshit.

Betty White commented on the ludicrous maxim that having “balls” is a sign of strength and bravery; but the slightest tap makes men double over in pain. LOL

Guess Who’s Reading?

 

This morning, while engaging in my usual weekend ritual of sipping high-test Maxwell House and checking emails, I had a little surprise: a comment on the blog from a man. This man commented at 1:55am last night, or more accurately, this morning. Perhaps his insomnia was acting up? Perhaps he was perusing divorcee blogs for fun? Perhaps he had been out celebrating and was emboldened by refreshments? I don’t know.

Since is the first time that a man has ever commented on my blog, I was curious, but I assumed that like most of my commenters, he operated under a pseudonym.

What makes this particular man so very interesting is that he used his own name. And his personal email. And, it seems like he is angry – at me – a little middle aged lady of no importance. A coupon cutting, hard working, laundry washing, formerly abused housewife and homework jockey. Well isn’t that odd? All of my commenters are ladies, with the exception of people trying to sell me things.

I opened a fresh tab and Googled his name. He works for the Westchester County Family Court.

Oh. Well, I told you they were reading.

I faced a dilemma: If I hit “approve” his name will appear next to his comment, for the entire world to see. That might be embarrassing for him (I know, I know. Yet I do feel some strange obligation to preserve the anonymity of this misguided child). What to do?

I’ve decided not to approve his comment for now, but it deserves to be read. So here it is:

From: <Name Withheld>

“Judge Connolly was not removed from the matrimonial part, judges are routinely moved around, and this blog had absolutely nothing to do with it. Stop blaming the judges and look in the mirror”

Let’s have a little literary analysis, shall we?

This blog has nothing to do with Connolly’s move.

Okay, fair enough. They are totally unrelated. But a man employed by the Courts is a reader, and maybe not the only one.  It’s possible. Let’s assume that he is the only human being employed in the Court system who reads this. And let’s further assume he has never, ever mentioned it to another living soul. If that’s the case, I am wasting my time in writing; I should probably quit immediately.

Look in the Mirror

Just did. Saw a somewhat tired looking older woman with a To Do list so long that it makes the debate over the sequester look brief.

Look in the Mirror

Is the implication that I somehow brought about my outcome?

Does he mean that I unknowingly asked Connolly to give me none of the marital estate? Or that gave off some signal begging her to sell my house? Does he think that my body language in the courtroom secretly asked for 23 months of alimony at $1500 per?

Does he mean that the way I look influences the courts?

Does he think that I deserve to have four cases pending, or that my ex husband refusal to pay what is ordered is somehow my fault, and is reflected in my mirror?

Look in the Mirror

Maybe this man should look in the mirror. He is a college graduate. How’d he do it? De he have help from his father? Did he cut coupons, or miss his prom because it cost too much? How did he get his job? Sheer brilliance? An impressive resume? Or, more likely, family connections?

Look in the Mirror

Why is this guy so angry? I’m not angry – I try to make that clear in every post. It is what it is, at least for now. I accept what I’ve been dealt and make the best of every day. I don’t think he is a child of a deadbeat father, or he wouldn’t be so annoyed. As taxpayers, we pay this man’s salary, and it is probably not very much – and yet, whatever he is paid has inspired such loyalty! Too bad the Crusades are over – this dude could have run ahead:)

Look in the Mirror

I see a woman who lost all the accouterments of upper middle class: house, car, financial security, lessons for the kids, vacations, Whole Foods, a back yard, organic produce.

I see a woman who took a job as a receptionist to buy groceries.

I see a mother of a 12 year old child, who babysat his little brother till I came home, who pretended not to be afraid and who patiently taught a 7 year old his math and science and who learned to start dinner

I see a family filled with love, compassion and humor.

I see people who are resilient, who have weathered the storm and are bound more closely because of it

I see all that cannot be taken away

 

Bye, Bye Francesca Connolly

Self regulation of any body or organization that has control and power over another group is foolish. Any of you who are old enough to remember Serpico (1973) may recall that the NYC police – corrupt then (and better now?) tried to kill one of their own when he whistle blew. And here we are, 40 years later with apparently no lessons learned. Police still “monitor” themselves, layers monitor lawyers (file a grievance and it will be ignored) and judges monitor judges. When a judge becomes so outrageous and complaints are too many, they are not fired, they are shuffled off to inflict more damage upon another group of individuals. (Cue Neary, Greenwald, etc.)

And now our friend, Francesca Connolly, is being moved off of divorce court. Since her arrival in January 2010, she has had three years to inflict damage on women – how many, I don’t know. I wish I could hire a research assistant to gather some stats, but on the pittance Franny awarded me, it’s not possible.

Why now? Are people complaining about her?  Has the Little Blog That Could made a difference? Did we collectively achieve our goal? I’d like to think so; that this is more than a coincidence. I also want to add that I am not hearing so many horror stories these days. Are the matrimonial judges getting better? Do they dislike having their antics made public?

I have more Connolly stories to share. She is not leaving the bench, just being shuffled over to inflict her brand on others. And of course, I still have Colangelo for two cases, and am still waiting on Esther Furman to make a decision from the October trial for reduction in child support, and Janet Malone too.

If you want this blog to continue, I need to hear from you. What Judges are handling your cases? How are you treated? Are you being threatened? Screamed at? Getting none of your marital estates?

Let’s do this: tell me your story, or write it yourself and I will plop in squarely in the very bright light right here. This blog is working, but if the bright light goes out, we will all be back where we were.

 

 

Ladies – NO COURT WEDNESDAY

 

Many heartfelt thanks to the dozens of you who graciously agreed to support me in Family Court this coming Wednesday. However, my trial was cancelled by my ex’s screaming attorney yesterday.

The  question is Why. Why would she cancel, and for no real reason? It has been her (and my ex’s) dream to get an Order of Protection, ever since the one I had on him for beating me and choking my son expired. Linda Jaimeson said that since the bastard was no longer in the house, we were safe! HaHa, that sure helped me sleep at night (with 12 mgs of Ambien, but that’s another story).

His lawyer writes as if English were her third language (silly bitch meant “ensure, not “insure” d’oh!):

 

Dear Ms. Sloper:

Insofar as you are appearing pro se on the above matter, I am sending this letter to you directly. I

am also sending it by email to insure that you get it in time.

Please be advised that the Family Court matter originally scheduled for March 13, 2013 has been

adjourned to either May 29th or May 30th depending on our availability.

Please let me know which date is better for you and I will let the Court know.

Thank you for your expedited attention to this matter.

 

BTW, she is not allowed to contact me by email (not that laws apply here, just sayin’).

Could it be that the attorney knows she went too far? My crime is taking a photo of his brand new car from a public street, to prove he lied days earlier about being impoverished and specifically mentioning that he drove an old car. We all know that courts demand proof.

The attorney and my ex filed for an Order of Protection in August. The courts must recognize it’s bullshit, because they offered a hearing date in October; punted to January; punted to March and now the attorney punts to Labor Day. Huh? I need Nancy Drew to puzzle this one out with me.

My ex, in August when the damning photo was snapped, filed a criminal complaint with the crooked Rye cops – who refuse to give me a copy – it’s a secret!  But the offense petition says:

“The respondent has been stalking me at my residence and has informed my attorney that she has videos of me which she has been accumulating since the start of summer”

Poor John. Does he really believe this? Does he think I had a tete a tete with his screaming attorney? Now I have to drag up all the paperwork that describes his major depressive disorder with psychotic features. I’ve spent 19 years trying to avoid this man, to escape him and never see him again. He wishes I had interest, and it’s sad. Pathetic, actually. How does the live in GF feel about this?

I am not going in May, it’s a holiday weekend and prom and I don’t think I’ll let court interfere with my family time.

And his other cases: forced overnights with the son he molested; emancipating the oldest to eliminate child support and college; the Family court case for an across the board reduction ….are going nowhere. Ladies, this is what winning looks like. I thought it would be a “Legally Blonde” moment of victory, but it’s the absence of movement that constitutes winning in Westchester.

 

 

PS: I am planning an event for all of us to meet; to share stories and ideas and lend support, maybe make a few new friends. So many of us have had major lifestyle adjustments we don’t fit in with tennis playing, Prada prancing neighbors. We are resilient realists, or at least on our way. It will likely be a Thursday night, in White Plains (we all know where the court house is) at one of the fab new places on Mamaroneck Ave. I will ask that everyone who wants to come RSVP with either their real name or pseudonym – you can respond as Sue Ann Niven, Carol Brady or Anastasia Steele, but safety and paranoia dictates that I have a list. No men. Please let me know if there is any interest in this. Thanks and big hugs – enjoy the 50 degree day!